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Divorce – Do you miss me?

Divorced, do you miss me?

This is a question I was asked just a few hours ago in an email from my ex-wife. I couldn’t, or maybe didn’t want to, answer her right away, as she was on business in China when I received it. However, she got me thinking; When was the last time you lived in the old marital home? That home, which is now the humble residence of said wife, with her husband of what must be, by now, about four months.

I remember leaving the house, when I could no longer bear its bitter atmosphere, on Saturday, April 27, 2013. This followed a series of very unfortunate encounters, which “came to a head” with a late-night brawl and events. on the Wednesday before, when my schedule should take me to the Coronation Street set at Granada Studios in Manchester. After a stormy sequence of events over the course of several days prior, I finally said, on Tuesday night, between sobs of excitement, that I didn’t want to go to work at ‘Corrie’ that day! My then wife comforted me, and my mild manners accepted that she would keep in touch with me while ‘on set’!

Even though I knew in my heart that my marriage of almost thirty years was probably over, I naively thought that if I stayed home that day, I could somehow help save it! However, my wife had other ideas and her reassuring words were received by me, as a drowning man would grasp at a straw before finally sinking into the dark depths of a vast ocean! “I’ll talk to you and you can call me whenever you want”, that was the offer and I gladly accepted it. I wanted and I thought, I ‘needed’ her touch, her voice. Little did I realize the power of the rejection that followed when she didn’t talk to me because she was too busy flirting with her boyfriend on her Facebook. As a consequence, and due to the mental torture that followed, I chose to turn on my cruise control at a speed above 70mph and point my car at the nearest M62 bridge parapet.

This is the point, I suppose, where anyone destined to meet their creator should see one’s life flashing before their eyes. Maybe that’s a good place to start! However, let’s forget childhood and skip ahead twenty years, to the wedding that would finally be called off!

It is said that ‘Love is blind’. I think that in our case, said love was only young and inexperienced. We loved each other like we were sweethearts, but unfortunately that was as far as we got. The blossoming of that relationship was put on hold because my then-fiancée became pregnant with our first child. This raised the notion of several possible outcomes later on, though sadly none of us appreciated it at the time. Looking back on that period, I wish now that we hadn’t let “the Mothers go into overdrive and complete the charade, which would effectively become an ‘arranged marriage’. An occasion where all ‘their’ friends were invited to the “big event” and none of ours! We had been courting for two years and engaged for two more, there was a chance that everything would work out, if I hadn’t been doomed from the start. By the way, I wanted to get married in a church and my new bride-to-be, she definitely didn’t want that dress (or the damn veil)!

Reading the above, one can be forgiven for assuming that I am looking to place blame here for the end result. Not so! I mention these circumstances simply so others can learn from my/our experience and encourage them to do WHATEVER they want, WHENEVER they want! If this had been the case with us, then who knows, maybe I wouldn’t be thinking now that I should have walked out of our marriage in the first week. This, as a result of the big ‘Dinner in the Dumpster’ incident, orchestrated to coincide with me walking home through the gate, dirty, tired and very hungry, after completing an emergency shift at British Steel. Very affectionate with a new wife!

It was about two years after this marriage that my brother decided he had had enough of life. I don’t know what he went through in Medomsley, but I do know that he marked it. This, and a girl named Lisa whose mother didn’t think my brother was good enough, and my cousin’s death six months earlier, also by suicide, was enough to send him over the edge. Well, that’s the official line anyway. All I’d add is that two Stockton drug-dealing motherfuckers think they’ve gotten away with something, but hey, karma rules and every dog ​​has his day. As for his so-called companions, well, thanks for nothing! My wife was definitely a rock to me during this dark period of my twenties.

And so life went on! Good times, bad times, more lovely children and even grandchildren. More innocents caught up in the melee and melee that followed. But such a life was not without strange forms. I could be in danger here of bordering on smear territory. This is not my intention. I would just like to comment that for someone who constantly accused me of ‘being like her father’, she did a great job of steering in that direction, eventually revealing herself to be the apple of her eye! You must be very proud. It is my undoubted opinion that he certainly never liked me from the start, and what grandfather can’t even remember the name of his first grandchild!

Then followed, episodes that correspond to the ups and downs of any marriage, I suppose. Except for adultery and other complications (which I was happily unaware of for seventeen years), he would have happily admitted to having a great life and an even better wife. Then I got the news! My God, I was devastated, but given the source, I couldn’t let it show. Literally! He was stunned. disabled! Then the slow dawn of realization descended on me. Some unexplained moments in my life, like misfit pieces of a puzzle, suddenly taking shape before my eyes, oddities and behavioral traits throughout that period, suddenly explained. My Epiphany had arrived!

To add insult to injury, the latest flirtation on Facebook, became the new boyfriend, or rather, the most recent! So, despite frantic efforts, I couldn’t stop the relationship I valued, as much as the one I had with my Children and Grandchildren, from eroding to the point of non-existence. Worse yet, as time passes, my precious memories continue to be erased, and large portions of my life become meaningless on a daily basis.

So what about the email issue? I miss you? Well, I found out in another email the next day, that I had apparently got the meaning wrong. The question was supposedly aimed at my wife’s mother in spirit. As unlikely as it sounds, the answer is, however, ‘of course it is’. You can’t live most of your life with someone and not miss them once you’re torn apart!

That brings me to the reason I have brought up this article. The topic touches us all on various levels. Therefore, I hope that the lessons in this article will also be applicable to a broader audience in one way or another.

The first philosophical observation I would make is that the loss suffered through separation and divorce arouses feelings that are not unlike those of the loss of a loved one in death. While love never really dies in such cases, there are still the five phases of “mourning” that must be addressed, both psychologically and emotionally, before one can proceed with the theme of loss in general:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Negotiation/Compromise
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

I have personally gone through each stage, suffering loss from both the death and divorce scenarios and, incidentally, experiencing dramatic amounts of pain in each of them. In my experience, there is a great deal of emotional turmoil to overcome in the grieving process, during which one can feel lost and vulnerable. Perhaps a point to be acknowledged here though; is that grief can be relative to the depth of feeling surrounding the loss. Also the key phases, especially in negotiation and compromise, will vary greatly in their terms; from person to person and with the circumstances that surround it.

So how do you get over the ordeal of divorce? In my experience, the first task is to think and stay positive and recognize that the situation is part of the cyclical nature of life, with all its ups and downs in general. Essentially, over time, what seems like an impossible position at one point should become insignificant as time goes on and other opportunities (and problems) present themselves. Furthermore, one must recognize that people are people, first and foremost, and must accept the premise that a couple can only stay together through the mutual goodwill of both parties involved. If a person no longer wishes to be in a relationship with another, then this must be acknowledged and ultimately respected. Such a question certainly cannot be imposed in the opposite direction.

Ultimately, the goal of the exercise is to get to the stage of accepting all five phases as quickly as possible, thereby minimizing any pain for everyone involved. This may need forgiveness. My own position on forgiveness is reproduced below, courtesy and copyright of…

“How can we forgive someone who has hurt us?

For every bad action there is an underlying cause. This does not mean that such misconduct is justifiable, but mitigating factors (the other side of the coin) must nevertheless be considered. Without such consideration there is no balance. The person(s) who would commit the wrong would have a reason(s) (justifiable to them at the time) for engaging in such voluntary action. The act of forgiving is not necessarily the same as accepting the wrongdoing, nor is it tolerating any wrongdoing nor will it remove the pain. It is simply the ability to rationalize awareness of the entire scenario and come to understand all the facts, as they relate to human nature and the circumstances surrounding the act. Being able to forgive demonstrates the capacity for evolved thinking and rationalization and is a clear indication of heightened spiritual awareness.”

Moving forward may require more personal contact to overcome any physical blocks to acceptance. Like facing one’s own nemesis! Maybe that’s a question for the new husband, the children involved, and in my particular case, well… remember Corrie? What ‘saved’ me from hitting a parapet at over 70mph that night on the M62? While that’s the subject of another story, let’s just say a certain Earth Angel may have something to say on the subject as well!

Alan Carter

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