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How to find and use a necessary shrine during the duel

More than three decades ago, a grief therapist wrote that one of the most important needs of anyone grieving the death of a loved one is to find safe people and places. Why? Because when we suffer in our pain we are vulnerable and we need protection that promotes a sense of security and protection.

Sanctuary has multiple meanings, however I use it here to indicate a special place that provides rest, security, as well as an informative and supportive environment, at a time when our defenses are down and we need reassurance.

Here’s what you need to know to create and use your personal sanctuary.

1. Find a place in your home that is away from street traffic and other noise and that can provide privacy, if possible, with a view. Rearrange the furniture so that you have a comfortable chair or sofa to sit or lie down on. If soothing music will help you relax, bring a CD player or your iPod. Turn off the phone. You may want to bring a favorite photo of your loved one to look at. This is where you can journal your loved one, read, pray, or just lie down and elevate your feet.

Form the intention in your mind to use this retreat as your space of peace and quiet. Early in the grieving process, start expecting to go there sometime during the day.

2. There are no obligations when you go to your sanctuary. Take the view that you have the right to rest, silence, or your particular kind of relaxation. You can do whatever you want without interruption, be who you are without pretense, and show your feelings without worrying about others. Say what you need to say out loud or in the silence of your heart. This time it’s rightfully yours and yours alone.

3. You may also consider using a local church as your sanctuary. Go there at different times of the day to see when the fewest people are present. Then plan to visit when you think it best suits your purpose. Sit quietly in a place that gives you the most privacy and let your mind wander to the images, statues, or architecture. Close your eyes and rest in the presence of divinity.

As you relax, allow your beliefs about the presence of the invisible to provide support and strength to choose a path to healing. This may also be the place you’ll want to use to ask for a sign that your loved one is fine, where you choose to speak with your deceased loved one and listen carefully to their intuition.

4. Another sanctuary that provides a great opportunity for comfort and inspiration is nature. If you have a quiet outdoor area on your property, or in your neighborhood, that you can visit every day (remember, you need a sanctuary every day), set it up for your use. Or maybe you have a porch or lanai with adequate privacy and a view of birds, trees, and butterflies that is conducive to replenishment. The beauty of nature alone can provide powerful meaning, bringing you in touch with the Divine and bringing peace and comfort.

In short, a sanctuary is an important need and right for mourners who wish to rest away from the whirlwind of people and the demands made in times of great sadness. Make it clear to your support system how much you need this type of environment, so they can help you respect the privacy you need. Consider alternating use of the three suggested shrines.

Don’t feel like you’re indulging yourself in this endeavor, as grief work is intensely time-consuming, and as the weeks go by, using your sanctuary will save you precious energy and be critical to maintaining health.

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