Sometimes I hear from people who were sure that separating and then seeking a divorce was the best idea. Sometimes they firmly believe that their marriage is too far gone to be saved. Other times, they believe they have fallen out of love with their spouse. But then, at some point during the separation that they were sure would lead to divorce, something strange begins to happen. They begin to miss their spouse. To their surprise, they are deeply affected by the absence of their spouse. And they often have no idea what this should mean for their marriage or their expected divorce.

I heard from one wife who said, “For the past five years, my husband and I have grown seriously apart. For the past year and a half, I have been closely watching my marriage. Because I was trying to determine if there was I should try to save him. I decided that it was really over because I thought I had no feelings for my spouse and my marriage. My husband had a hard time accepting this, so I decided to seek a separation before filing for divorce. I thought this would help him. would give some time to adjust and that would be the best and kindest way to do it. I felt like it was already made up. We have been apart for about four weeks. In the last few weeks, I started missing my husband desperately and I don’t know what to do with this. My best friend says I miss him because it had almost become a habit and that doesn’t mean I still love him or that I should change my mind about the divorce. But I don’t know if she’s right. I find myself thinking of him longingly and remembering some of the good times of our marriage. This is normal? Is my marriage still over?

I couldn’t decide if this wife’s marriage should end or not. This was a decision that only the couple should make. However, if I’m honest, I think the wife missing her husband was quite revealing and important. I’ll tell you why below.

Missing your spouse during a separation means that you are not indifferent and, in my opinion, this is significant: I know that many people will not agree with what I am going to say. But I think that if you still have feelings for your spouse, this could mean that your marriage is not really over. I believe this is true even if you are feeling negative emotions like anger, frustration, or confusion. Because I think that if you have any feelings, it means that you are still involved in your marriage, even if it frustrates or upsets you.

I know that people will often say that you miss your spouse simply because your habit has been broken. They will say that parting requires some adjustment, even if there is nothing left. I actually don’t agree with this. I think feeling nothing or a sense of indifference could be an indication that it’s over. But this was not the case here.

I find that people who are truly over their partner or their marriage actually feel a sense of peace and acceptance. There is no anger, frustration, longing or confusion. There is simply nothing else. Because both people know that they have done everything they could and still it has not been enough.

She couldn’t tell this wife what she was feeling or why she was feeling it. But it seemed pretty obvious to me that she hadn’t reached the point of indifference yet, and I think this was telling. Of course, this is just my opinion. And the only opinion that really mattered was his own.

Where to go from here: Again, this is not my decision. It was really her wife’s decision and she would probably have to sit still, take some time and dig deep to hear what her heart was trying to tell her. This was a serious decision that could have a strong impact on two lives.

So this is just my opinion, but it makes sense to me not to rush. He could take his time and see if the feelings continued. She wasn’t sure she should share this fully with her husband until she was sure of her feelings. Because I’ve been the wife on the other side of this, and I wouldn’t have wanted my husband to give me false hope until he was sure.

So I would suggest just staying present and waiting to file for divorce until you are more sure of your feelings. Regardless of whether this relationship was ultimately going to end, it’s always a good idea to leave things on a positive note. It is always a good idea to maintain a positive relationship with someone who will always be very important to you. So I would suggest not making any rash decisions and just watch and listen. Your heart may be trying to tell you something and you cannot get the message if you are not listening and willing to listen to what it has to say.