Every day we interact with the people around us and have different types of relationships with each of them. Some relationships are casual, like the clerk you chat with briefly at the grocery store each week, or a fellow passenger on the bus commuting to work. Other relationships are more intense and personal, these are the ones we have with family, friends, lovers and even co-workers. Some of these relationships are by choice, others are not.
Despite our best intentions and efforts to get along with everyone, not all of our personal relationships are good or healthy, and some simply can’t be fixed. The important thing is to recognize the difference. Basically, there are two types of people in every relationship: those who constantly fill our cup and those who empty it. Those that drain us can only be classified as toxic.
It is the rare individual who has never encountered a toxic personality or had to deal with one at school, work, in social situations, or even at home. They are everywhere. How do you recognize these people and how do you know if any of your relationships are toxic? You know by how you feel when you’re around them. Toxic people drain your energy and leave you feeling drained and drained. If you feel absolutely drained from constantly having to deal with someone’s tantrums, mood swings, manipulation, complaints, criticism, or demeaning comments, chances are that person is toxic, at least to you. Other people may not react to that person in the same way. Why? Probably because his buttons aren’t being pressed, yours are. However, truly toxic people behave the same wherever they go, and it’s unlikely that you’ll be the only one who finds it difficult to be around.
Toxic people are extremely negative. Regardless of what someone says, this type of person always manages to find a way to counter with a negative opinion or point of view. Every attempt to change the topic of a conversation to something positive is met with resistance, and the topic being discussed inevitably turns negative again.
Toxic people are constantly obsessed with fatality and sadness: everything in life is black and there is no white. When faced with a problem, they focus on the problem itself instead of finding constructive ways to deal with it. They adopt a self-victimizing mentality and complain no matter what happens. These people have a general disdain for life and manage to see only the dark side of everything. However, they are not necessarily malicious or have the deliberate intent to harm another person. They are simply so immersed in their own negativity that they have little or no concept of how they affect others. Toxic people tend to be extremely narcissistic: their entire focus in life is on what they want and need. They are consummate takers who are unable to give something back unless they want something, or it has an immediate purpose for them.
toxic relationships
Even in the best relationships there can be conflicts and differences of opinion, but if a relationship is healthy, most conflicts and unresolved issues are eventually resolved. In a toxic relationship, regardless of all attempts to address differences and resolve issues, the problem continues. The conflict and friction can become so severe that one or more people in the relationship continue to hurt each other, and inevitably there is a loser.
What is the definition of a toxic relationship? According to Dr. Lillian Glass, author of Toxic People, a toxic person is “anyone who manages to drag you down, make you feel angry, drained, deflated, belittled, or confused.” Dysfunctional and painful relationships can develop for a variety of reasons. At worst, there are those who will deliberately hurt another person simply out of pettiness and a desire to control or be superior. These people intentionally use, abuse, and harm others, often to make themselves feel better or more important. Other harmful and toxic relationships can develop, not so much because of the desire to cause pain, but because of a person’s own emotional wounds, a stressful lifestyle, mental illness, or drug or alcohol addiction.
Coming to the realization that a relationship you value may be destructive and unhealthy is often a painful process. It’s easy to become blinded by denial and the eternal hope that “somehow he or she will change and this will all get better.” It’s hard for us to see or believe that our parents, spouse, children, or friends really don’t have our best interests at heart and could actually be detrimental to us. People may remain in denial throughout their lives, often with disastrous results, or they may become increasingly aware that a relationship is unhealthy. Once a person realizes the true situation, the temptation may be to slip back into denial hoping for the best, or to launch into a desperate attempt to “fix” things. Non-toxic partners may even blame themselves, thinking “If only I had said, done…he or she wouldn’t have…”
Unfortunately, even if the non-toxic person in a relationship makes all the changes the toxic partner requests, it is still not enough to bring peace to the relationship. Eventually, the non-toxic partner gets tired of trying to be perfect and trying to do anything to bring normalcy to the relationship. Their sacrifices go completely unnoticed, and both parties continue to focus on meeting the needs of the toxic partner.
It’s a vicious pattern, and when reality can no longer be denied and it becomes apparent that there is no “solution” to a relationship, despair begins to overwhelm the healthier couple. The loss is profound, as it represents not only the loss of the other person, but the loss of an ideal and the destruction of a dream. It is a harrowing process to finally realize and acknowledge that not all parents are loving, not all spouses are faithful, and not all friends are trustworthy. .
If you are in a relationship with a toxic person, you have been well trained to put that person’s wants and needs first, above all else. If you consider yourself a smart and self-sufficient person in other aspects of your life, it can be particularly embarrassing and embarrassing to admit that you are in a toxic relationship.
Once you’re willing to come out of denial and take a hard look at the relationship, you need to ask yourself what, if anything, you’re getting out of it. If the answer is “nothing”, you have two options.
EITHER:
1. Stay in the relationship, keep giving away your power, and keep satisfying your partner’s wants and needs at the expense of yourself.
Prayed
2. Evaluate your alternatives, take back your power, and make the decision to change the relationship or get out of it.
Only you know what the right decision is.