Secretary. Man O’War. Affirmed. barbarian. Swirl.

Where, you may have wondered once or twice over the years, did racehorses get those crazy names?

The rules for naming and registering a racehorse are quite complicated. It starts with the Jockey Club, the organization responsible for overseeing all thoroughbred horse racing in the United States. The Club gives all racehorses registered in a particular year an “official” birthdate of January 1 (thus simplifying things for race organizers), and all horses must be registered within one year of the date of birth. actual date of birth.

Not only that, they must have their DNA typed; The DNA of both parents must also be on file with the Jockey Club. Twins must be registered separately, and the Club’s rules go into ugly graphic detail by stipulating that only foals created by “meddling” are eligible; horses bred by artificial insemination or embryo transfer need not apply. In this way, the Jockey Club ensures that all Thoroughbreds are truly Thoroughbreds, that is, that they are descendants of horses registered in the official registry of the Club, the American Stud Book, or of those horses registered in the Genealogical Books. from other countries (which must in turn have been accepted by the Jockey Club). Only through such strict regulations can the Jockey Club keep the thoroughbred racing “club” as exclusive as a European royal family.

(The Club’s rules also say, somewhat superfluously, that “A dead horse is not eligible for registration.” Nothing beats covering all the bases.)

Of course, there are fees – right now anywhere from $200-2000 depending on the circumstances, with separate naming fees ranging from $75-100. (If you name and register your foal at the same time, you do not have to pay the naming fee.)

Speaking of names, the Club has rules that cover that, too. Many rules. There is no name available for a living Thoroughbred under the age of ten, so you must list six options; the first available name will be assigned to your horse. (Thank goodness we don’t name kids that.) The Club also maintains a “short list,” which includes Hall of Famers, Eclipse Award winners, Kentucky Derby winners, and other Thoroughbred luminaries. Like Michael Jordan’s jersey number, names like Seabiscuit and Secretariat are too special to hand out to rookies.

It gets more complicated from here. “An explanation,” the Club’s rules stipulate, “must accompany ‘coined’ or ‘invented’ names that have no apparent meaning,” and if you wish to name your horse with a foreign phrase (such as C’est la vie or Mutatis mutandis), you must provide a translation.

The name must contain less than 18 characters and may not all be numbers.

Names cannot end in “filly”, “colt”, “stallion”, “mare”, “stallion” or other horse terms, or with numbers: “the second”, “the third”, etc.

You can’t use the names of famous people, “notorious” people, or initials, so don’t name your horse “Abe Lincoln,” “John Dillinger,” or “TCB.” In fact, you may not use a person’s name for your horse, unless the Jockey Club receives written permission from the human “owner” of the name.

Racetrack names, trade names, book, movie and song titles, and other copyrighted material are all prohibited, as are names that closely resemble any of the above. (Apparently, Star Warz or Mikki Maus won’t win the Preakness next year.)

Finally, the Jockey Club outlaws names that are “suggestive or have a vulgar or obscene meaning; names considered in poor taste; or names that may be offensive to religious, political, or ethnic groups.”

With all these restrictions, coming up with a good horse name requires some creativity. To make matters worse, nearly 60,000 name requests are submitted to the Club each year, according to a recent article by TD Thornton in the online magazine Slate. (Thornton also lists a few examples of obscene names that somehow leaked out; Menage a Trois and Sexual Harrassment are two of the most printable.) Fortunately, the Jockey Club lists some names that are not currently available on their website http://www.registry .jockeyclub.com

So where do the names of the horses come from? Some famous horses have family names (Barbarino); some names are designed to suggest speed (Whirlaway) or confidence (Affirmed). History can be a rich source, as can personal biography: the name Secretariat was suggested by Meadow Stables secretary Elizabeth Ham after the first ten names she submitted were refused.

Like many rock bands, the horses are often given names for reasons that are ultimately both personal and arcane: Seabiscuit was named after its father, Hard Tack, a type of biscuit often eaten by sailors, Seabiscuit being another. name for, well, hardtack.