Too self-confident, too eager to voice their opinion (and disapprove of yours), too reluctant to listen, and to be submissive? Are today’s black women even capable of ‘following’ a strong black man? For all my single siblings who have asked me these questions many times, this article is for you.
First, let’s address the first question: Are single black women too independent? My answer to this might surprise you: I think in many ways black women are too independent, but with good reason. To understand this dichotomy, you need to understand something about most single black women. Most single black women have a history of supporting themselves, holding a job (or two), possibly raising children, attending school, taking care of household bills (probably with a home of their own), and helping with other family responsibilities involving parents, grandparents, and siblings.
In many cases they have handled these responsibilities without a strong or constant male influence in their lives. Due to miscommunication, death, neglect, or abuse, many father-daughter, sister-brother, boyfriend-girlfriend relationships have gone astray, often leaving women to form a support network with each other to get things done. , put order in their lives and achieve it. those tasks that were once more evenly divided between the two genders.
This has caused something of an epidemic in the single black community. Black women learned that to get things done, they had to trust themselves, and they began to do so with increasing success. As a result of this, Black women learned that they didn’t really ‘need’ Black men the way they thought they did: for company, for leadership, or for money and support. They learned to work and earn money for themselves, raise their children alone, pay their bills, and get their own education, but these lessons came at a cost. And that cost was the sacrifice of a healthy relationship with your future spouses, boyfriends or lovers. So yes, black women are sometimes too independent, but only because they had to be. To survive, for their children to survive, and to make their lives work.
Are single black women too self-assured, too eager to express their opinions, reluctant to listen, or to be submissive? Again, the answer is: sometimes yes, sometimes no. Sometimes yes, because single black women are usually quite confident, fairly self-confident, and fairly confident of who they are, especially once they’ve reached a certain age. And sometimes yes, because I have seen a sister “walk away” with a brother for no reason, just to establish dominance or control. And I have met many good men who were being ‘persecuted’ by their wife because they did not confront her. But sometimes, no, because most single black women are just waiting to meet a man strong enough to deal with them in full character. A man who can admire his strength while adding his own. A man who is not intimidated by a woman who has an opinion as valid as his. And this single black woman can and will gladly listen to this man because he values and listens to her.
But it has to be a relationship of equals. Equal respect, equal power and equal voice. Because black women are often so strong, it can often hinder the development and growth of a good relationship. Just as no man wants someone to tell him how he should live his life, neither do most women. Strength plus strength should be a potent combination, but too often strength in women and strength in men turns into a power struggle and then a wedge that separates them.
And finally, are single black women capable of ‘following’ a good man? Of course, as long as your definitions of “tracking” are the same. “Follow” does not mean “blindly obey in the absence of all common sense.” To ‘follow’ means to follow your husband as the church ‘follows’ Christ (note that I say ‘husband’ and not ‘boyfriends’; these same rights do not apply to boyfriend-girlfriend relationships). True marriage between a man and a woman should reflect the love that Christ has for the church. In the Bible, a woman is asked to respect and submit to her husband, but the husband is asked to lay down his life for his wife. Most men and women, husbands and wives, do not have that kind of relationship. Most relationships are a reflection of ‘what’s in it for me?’ And when that runs out, the relationship runs out too. A successful relationship can occur between a single black man and a single black woman when true respect and love are based on a committed relationship that leads to marriage.
So are single black women too independent? Sometimes yes and sometimes no, but relationships between black men and women can still work. With a little commitment on both sides, a clear understanding of what a godly, Bible-based relationship is, and a love that lasts longer than who has the last word, independence can turn into interdependence (being independent but dependent from each other and from God). ) And the overly independent black woman will no longer be!