Since I started writing about online dating, eHarmony is one of the companies I get the most questions about. The methods and success rates of this company have been widely noted, but this publicity also gives the whole process a kind of mystique and makes some people feel intimidated or worried that they won’t “get it right.”
People often see the eHarmony process as more science than romance or dating. This is not entirely true. Yes, they have the much talked about 29-point compatibility system, but it’s honestly not that hard. There is no reason to fear this process. In fact, the company’s evaluation and questionnaires are the main reasons for its success rate. And honestly, you can make this process work for you and not against you, which I’ll talk about in the next article.
Work on your own before you even start with eHarmony: In order to know who your soulmate is when they stare into your eyes, you’ll need to know exactly who and what you want. Sometimes we think we are clear when in fact we are not. We want an ideal that we think we should want or that we think our parents, friends, or even our children want or need for us.
The problem with this is that we are going to attract the right person for these people instead of attracting the right person for us. Ultimately, what most people want is a fulfilling, healthy, and happy relationship that feels almost effortless because both people are “right” for each other. Understand, though, that you’re not likely to get this if you don’t know who you are and who’s right for you. In addition, you must be able to successfully pass on this knowledge of yourself.
We often underestimate ourselves or fall short of asking for what we really want because our self-confidence or self-knowledge is low. You really must believe that you deserve who you really love and that you are worthy of this. There really is someone for everyone. You have to trust that this is true. Otherwise, you are going to project doubts and you may fall short.
That’s why it’s so important to take some time to figure out what you want and need. You also need to do your own homework to feel confident that you will need to approach this process with an open mind and heart. Many people lower their expectations and tell themselves to “settle” when this is not true. Now is the time to put up with what and who you want. Know this and get excited about the process.
Always be honest, but use your self-knowledge to bring out the best in yourself: The worst thing you can do is stop at the initial test or what is also called the personality profile. People sometimes don’t like that the test can take anywhere from 45 to an hour. Or, they worry that the test is not accurate or that it will paint them wrong or show their flaws.
Wait until you have uninterrupted time to take the test. Know that these are not really “correct” answers for the test. There are no trick questions, at least in my opinion. They are asking these things so they can match you with who is potentially right for you. That’s why it’s so important to be honest. Make sure your answers are really true, not what you think people want to hear. Once again, if you embellish or pretend to be someone you are not, then you will be matched with the person who would live up to what you pretend to be.
The same applies when setting up your profile. You absolutely want to give your best. Use your self work to paint yourself in a positive but truthful light. Once again, you want to be matched with people who will be compatible with your true self. Who wants to fake it long term?
Your attitude counts as much as the other variables: People often assume that personality testing and matching is the most important part of eHarmony. These things are important, but equally important is the attitude you have when you approach this. The thing is, you don’t want to approach this with fear and apprehension. These things show and tell. Finding your “match” and soulmate can take a little time, so it’s very important to make the process one that you enjoy and one that you don’t mind.
Always remember that people are attracted to people who make them feel good about themselves and their situation. If you project negativity, doubt, reluctance, or fear, your results could suffer. Promise to enjoy yourself and approach this knowing that you have something to offer. Sure, you may have to meet a few people before you find your soulmate, but nothing says you can’t benefit from making new friends or enjoying new experiences. In my opinion, people who enjoy the process and have fun seem to have a much higher degree of success.
Use the tools they give you: One of the best things about eHarmony is that it offers you many tools to get to know your matches with very little stress. Their guided communication tools are second to none. Some people tell me that they feel like this forces them to move slowly. But I really think this can be to your benefit. It allows you to meet potential matches without any pressure. Basically, they allow you to share information and ask questions before you even consider taking it any further.
All this is giving you experience, allowing you to get to know the other person and will allow you to increase your confidence. If you approach this and compete correctly, you should have a good idea of who each match is and this should help you assess whether you want to go further. This is much better than just hoping for the best and taking the time to get to know someone that would be a waste of time anyway.
Plus, the time and effort that goes into this whole process ensures that people are on eHarmony for all the right reasons. Generally, people on eHarmony aren’t looking to “hook up.” They seek committed long-term relationships. The slow and painstaking pace of the process helps ensure that you are matched with people who take this as seriously as you do.