I recently witnessed the dissolution of a friendship between two women who had been very close. It was interesting to see the two diverse paths each decided to take in regard to healing from this tragic event. A woman’s thing is to do everything in her power to create havoc in the other’s life. She used vindictive tactics to express her anger and hurt, including speaking ill of her former friend in her tight-knit community. In the end, this behavior backfired on him. The second woman took a very different approach. She started with forgiveness. She walked over to the other woman, trying to fix the misunderstanding. When that didn’t work, she reached out to the network of other women in her life, letting them wrap her in their love and support. It was beautiful to witness such camaraderie among women and to see the bonds become closer due to honesty and humility.
Female friendships can be complex. When we are young, we envy our friends, covet their possessions, and sometimes even their boyfriends. We are not always taught the importance of being happy for each other, so when we reach adulthood, these intricate insecurities travel with us. I remember when I was in my early twenties and my best friend had it all, or so I thought. He had his dream job working for a TV company and had boyfriend after boyfriend while I couldn’t even get a date. Looking back, I know I should have been happy for her, but I wasn’t. She owned all the things I thought she wanted in my life and I was jealous. I couldn’t find my heart to support her, and always looked down on her, reflecting my own lack of trust in her. In the end, I think this led to the disintegration of our friendship. It was a difficult life lesson for me as deep down I loved her very much and was grieving for this loss. After that, I decided to change my relationship with women.
Throughout history, women have come together in difficult times. When the men went off to war, the wives and widows sought each other out for a sense of community and family. Scarlet O’Hara were a rarity. For the most part, the bond of female friendships was resilient, and this was prevalent in all cultures around the world. So how do we become our worst enemies?
We live in a culture that exalts negative relationships between women. Reality shows benefit from promoting competition and conflict, bringing out the ugliness within the participants. We even have the nerve to call these people celebrities, as if we should celebrate this kind of behavior.
A University of Michigan study focused on the importance of female friendships. In a press release, Stephanie Brown, the paper’s lead author, found that “most of the hormones involved in bonding and helping behavior lead to reductions in stress and anxiety.” During a study at UCLA, Dr. Laura Cousino Klein, now at Penn State University, found that during times of stress, men tend to go into “fight or flight” mode. For women, when the hormone oxytocin (the love hormone) is released, they tend to hang out with other women. By doing this, more oxytocin is released and acts as a calming agent. Our relationships with other women, in turn, lower our blood pressure and cholesterol. “There’s no question that friends help us live longer,” says Dr. Klein.
Today I am surrounded by beautiful, intelligent and successful women. Instead of envying everything they have, I really enjoy watching them grow, seeing them succeed, seeing them in love relationships. I am always there to nurture you when your hearts need healing, and I never find pleasure in your failures. I love being able to participate in her happiness and, above all, be its cause on occasion. I can say this for all the women who are an important part of my life, and judging by the support they give me in return, I’m sure they can say the same for me too. It took me a long time growing up to get to this point, but now that I have, my life is fuller than ever. Yes, my friends are good for my health and I look forward to a long and happy life of joy with them.