The question
Our main job as parents is to keep our children safe. Are we allowed to “snoop” on them to protect them from harm? Should we read your journals, listen to your phone conversations, check your email log, and monitor your Internet activity?
the court case
Before answering the question, please consider your legal rights. The Washington State Supreme Court, as described in the Seattle Times, unanimously overturned a 2000 robbery conviction in a case that relied in part on a mother’s testimony and what she overheard in a phone conversation between her daughter. and her daughter’s boyfriend.
The mother, Carmen Dixon, reportedly overheard the boyfriend talking about the robbery and even took notes of the conversation as she listened. In overturning the conviction, the Supreme Court says it is a crime to eavesdrop on the private conversation of anyone, including children. Although the attorneys cited provisions in federal wiretap law that allow parents to listen in on their children’s conversations, in Washington state “there is no such parental exception and no court in Washington has implied such an exception,” according to the court opinion.
Will we get in trouble for fulfilling our duty as parents? Are there limits to our parental prerogative?
The debate
My son doesn’t talk to me. If I ask him about school he says “he’s fine” even though I don’t see him doing any work and his teachers report that he isn’t turning in his homework. He spends most of his time in his room, on the computer or on the phone. He doesn’t answer if I ask about his friends or where they’re going. I’m happy that he still comes home at night.
Parents are in agony when left in the dark about a child’s activities. Who knows what he is doing! Are you involved with the “wrong” kind of peer group? Is he hurting himself by engaging in behavior that is dangerous, either physically or emotionally, or illegal? What is a father to do?
For one thing, maybe we should control our anxious thoughts and feelings. After all, as parents we recognize our adolescent children’s desire for privacy. They need time to be alone, space for their possessions, and the knowledge that we will not intrude on their lives. We want to have a relationship of trust and respect with them. We also want them to become more and more independent so they can be prepared for adulthood. If we control their lives too much, we may impair their decision-making ability and prevent them from gaining the self-confidence to make the big decisions that lie ahead.
On the other hand, are we being naive and foolish if we don’t snoop on our children?
To determine what to do, let’s examine what we mean by snooping. Questioning, according to the dictionary, is “interfering in the business or affairs of others, especially furtively” (Encarta). Thus, you are snooping when you monitor your children’s activities without their knowledge or expectations. That secret activity implies that you do not trust your child.
when there are problems
Are you really worried about your child? Do you have reasons for concern or do you simply sense that something is not right? So most experts agree, go ahead and poke around. Search your child’s room for any clues that the child is leading a secret life. She does it out of fear for his safety, not because he is a nosy, controlling parent.
If after your investigation you find something inappropriate, confront your child directly about it. But plan your conversation carefully. Be sure to control your emotions and convey your concern, not your anger. Have an agenda in mind of what you want to say. Indicate (1) why you were concerned; (2) what you found; and (3) what you will do about it.
Above all, show that you care and want to protect your child. Emphasize that a child’s freedom from intrusion is a privilege, not a right. As long as everything seems fine, which you’ll verify by continually monitoring her behavior, then you don’t need to investigate further. On the other hand, if you’re feeling worried, you’ll do whatever it takes to find out what’s going on.
What are possible causes for concern? They include any changes in a child’s behavior, school grades, hygiene, friends, or sleeping and eating habits. We’re not talking about the typical late teen hours. But late hours combined with irritability, withdrawal and poor performance can be a red flag for trouble.
recommendations
The best strategy is to be proactive. Discuss with your child what is private and what is not. Go over your rules and expectations. Also, clearly state that you will regularly visit their blog or cell phone log and contact their teachers.
Periodically go into your teen’s room, being careful not to trip over anything on the floor, and look around. It is possible that she sees something that is left by accident. So don’t get into a cleanup battle. We are talking about much more important values than an impeccable room.
Also, learn about your children’s interests and friends, as well as their friends’ parents. Ask them who they are chatting with on the phone or online and set appropriate limits. You may want to ban chat rooms and instant messaging (IMing) and generally limit the amount of online usage.
Many parents keep the children’s computer in a common room, not in the children’s room. This strategy facilitates hands-on monitoring of computer use. These days it is quite easy to visit their websites and feel free to do so.
In fact, Congress passed the Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act (COPPA) in 2000. This law requires companies to obtain parental consent before collecting personal information from preteens (under 13 years of age). It allows parents to review data and requires companies to get parental permission before disclosing any information about their child.
So, at least until the age of 13, some parental rights are protected by law.
However, even within the law, there is one very important caveat: remember not to over-control or over-manage your child. You want all of your children to be able to manage their own lives, and the tween and teen years are the training ground for doing so.
Instead, keep the lines of communication open. Sometimes they’ll shut down (teenagers are notoriously moody and reserved), but you’ll be there to observe, question, and intervene.
Finally, seek professional help if you notice a pattern of unhealthy adolescent behavior and feel helpless or aren’t sure what to do. Acting now could prevent much more serious problems in the future.